Why Am I So Sensitive in Relationships? Understanding Disorganised Attachment.

If you find yourself often feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or emotionally stirred in relationships, you might be wondering, Why am I so sensitive in relationships? One of the potential causes of these intense emotional experiences could be a disorganised attachment style. People with this attachment style experience emotional turbulence and conflicting feelings about relationships, which can make them feel overly sensitive to interactions and potential rejection. In this post, we’ll explore how a disorganised attachment style contributes to relational sensitivity and why those with this attachment style may seem especially sensitive in relationships.

What is a Disorganised Attachment Style and is why I'm so sensitive in relationships?

A disorganised attachment style emerges from inconsistent or frightening caregiving in childhood. When a caregiver is both a source of comfort and fear, children develop a confused internal framework for relationships. They want closeness but simultaneously fear emotional harm. This leads to contradictory behaviors—seeking connection while avoiding it. According to Main and Solomon (1990), disorganised attachment is typically seen in children who have experienced trauma or neglect. These early disruptions in attachment leave children with a deep internal conflict, which manifests in adulthood as emotional instability and relational sensitivity.

As adults, individuals with a disorganised attachment style often carry these unresolved emotional patterns into their relationships. They can feel deeply affected by the smallest relational cues, and their reactions may seem disproportionate or overly sensitive to those around them.

Why Am I So Sensitive in Relationships?

1. Conflicting Emotional Responses

   If you have a disorganised attachment style, your emotional responses in relationships are often inconsistent and contradictory. You might crave intimacy and connection but simultaneously feel overwhelmed by the possibility of being hurt. As Bowlby (1988) noted, attachment systems are crucial for emotional regulation, and disruptions to these systems can lead to emotional turbulence. This can result in heightened relational sensitivity, where your responses to relationship dynamics feel unpredictable, intense, and difficult to manage. These responses can often be misunderstood by both yourself and others as simply being sensitive in relationships, when they are actually tied to deep-seated attachment fears and trauma.

   
   

2. Fear of Abandonment and Vulnerability

   A hallmark of disorganised attachment is a profound fear of abandonment. Individuals with this attachment style often experienced inconsistent care from their caregivers, making them unsure about whether their emotional needs would be met. This fear of rejection and vulnerability leads to heightened relational sensitivity, especially in romantic or close relationships. As Shaver and Mikulincer (2012) describe, adults with this attachment style are often caught in a cycle of seeking connection while simultaneously fearing emotional pain and abandonment. This fear can manifest as sensitivity in relationships, where the smallest perceived slight or distancing behavior from a partner can trigger a disproportionate emotional reaction.
   

3. Difficulty Regulating Emotions

   People with a disorganised attachment style often struggle with emotional regulation. Early childhood experiences of neglect or inconsistent caregiving teach the brain that emotional responses are unpredictable and uncontrollable. As Siegel (2007) explains, emotional regulation is key to maintaining healthy relationships, but when attachment systems are disrupted, managing emotions becomes challenging. This lack of emotional regulation leads to intense, reactive emotions in relationships, making someone with disorganised attachment appear sensitive in relationships. They may react emotionally to minor relational events because their nervous system has been primed for instability and emotional overwhelm.

   
   

4. Inconsistent Behavioral Patterns in Relationships

   Adults with disorganised attachment often show erratic patterns of behavior in relationships. One moment they may seek closeness and emotional connection, and the next they might push others away or withdraw emotionally. This push-pull dynamic is a direct result of the early attachment confusion. As Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991) suggest, attachment systems guide behavior, and when these systems are disrupted, relational responses become unpredictable. These emotional highs and lows can increase relational sensitivity, leaving individuals feeling both deeply connected and intensely threatened by their relationships, which can lead to feelings of confusion and distress.

   
   

How Can I Manage Relational Sensitivity Linked to Disorganised Attachment?

If you’re wondering, Why am I so sensitive in relationships?, it could be that your disorganised attachment style is contributing to your heightened emotional responses.

Here are some strategies that can help you manage relational sensitivity and work toward building more stable, secure relationships.

1. Seek Therapy to Heal Attachment Wounds

   Therapy is one of the most effective ways to address the root causes of relational sensitivity. Working with a therapist who specialises in attachment theory can help you understand how your early experiences shaped your emotional responses in relationships.

2. Develop Mindfulness Practices

   Mindfulness is an effective tool for those with disorganised attachment, as it helps increase awareness of your emotional triggers. By cultivating mindfulness, you can better understand and control your emotional reactions. Siegel (2007) emphasises that mindfulness can foster emotional integration, which is essential for those struggling with attachment-related challenges. Regular mindfulness practices, such as deep breathing, grounding exercises, or body awareness, can help reduce relational sensitivity and allow you to respond more thoughtfully in relationships.
   

3. Practice Self-Compassion

   Managing relational sensitivity becomes easier when you approach yourself with self-compassion. Acknowledge that your heightened emotional responses are a result of past attachment wounds, not personal inadequacies. Neff (2011) explains that self-compassion fosters emotional resilience and helps individuals be kinder to themselves during challenging relational moments. By developing self-compassion, you can learn to manage emotional upheavals in relationships with more grace and understanding, reducing the intensity of your emotional reactions.
   

4. Create Stable and Predictable Relationships

   One of the most effective ways to heal relational sensitivity is to surround yourself with stable, predictable relationships. As Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991) suggest, reliable and consistent relationships help build emotional security, which is essential for individuals with disorganised attachment. Create healthy boundaries, trust, and open communication with those closest to you to foster emotional safety. By experiencing secure and supportive relationships, you can reduce the anxiety and emotional reactivity that comes with disorganised attachment.
   

5. Work on Emotional Regulation

   Since disorganised attachment often leads to emotional dysregulation, it’s essential to learn strategies to manage overwhelming emotions. Cognitive-behavioral techniques, deep breathing, or even journaling can help you process emotions before reacting impulsively. As Shaver and Mikulincer (2012) point out, improving emotional regulation can reduce the relational sensitivity that arises from emotional overwhelm. Learning how to self-soothe and manage emotional triggers can significantly improve your relationships over time.
   

Conclusion: Healing from Relational Sensitivity

If you often find yourself asking, Why am I so sensitive in relationships?, a disorganised attachment style could be at the heart of your emotional responses. Understanding this attachment style and its impact on your relationships is key to healing. By seeking therapy, practicing mindfulness, cultivating self-compassion, and fostering stable relationships, you can begin to manage relational sensitivity and create healthier, more secure connections with others.

Remember, your sensitivity is not a flaw but a reflection of your deep capacity for connection. With patience, support, and healing, you can transform relational sensitivity into a source of strength, allowing for deeper, more fulfilling relationships.

Meet Daniela, Your Compassionate Psychotherapist and Holistic Counsellor. Based in Melbourne, Daniela offers online therapy specialising in helping individuals with relational sensitivity and disorganised attachment. Using a trauma-informed, holistic approach, Daniela works with clients to heal attachment wounds and foster secure, meaningful relationships. New clients are welcome to begin their journey toward emotional healing and relational growth.